Anniversary, Adoption, Anxiety...Amazed

9 years...Anniversary that is...I'm a little early, but it's heading our way on the 24th. I feel like we've been stuck on fast forward for 9 years...it would be a relief to hang on pause for a second. If I'd known what I know now-I'd absolutely choose Derek again. On some days a person may question my sanity, & there are several hard days, but I could always see a glimpse of what could be. I had no idea what God had purposed for us, but it continues to amaze me. On our wedding day during the service our flower girl climbed in Derek's arms-it still is a sweet memory for us both. She was oh so adorable with her curly hair & big bright eyes and Derek well he's a sucker for babies. And me, for as long as I can remember, Mom is who I longed to be. That day a dear sweet friend with cerebral palsy walked all the way down the path at Clark Gardens & stood through the entire ceremony...it was a great day. And that day tells me so much about my husband. For a little perspective today I thought I'd take a walk down the aisle again. I didn't know what was coming, but God could SEE, I do love that about Him...and that leads us to...

ADOPTION...I was reading a sweet friend's blog announcing her own adoption; her words felt like mine, I had a plan, 4 children, a dog(maybe not), the house, the life, etc. And then the plan stopped being executed as it was before. What stopped me in my tracks is the fact that I had yet to stand in awe of the blessings before me because they were so easy for me to have. As if that was His special way to bless only me. And then a miscarriage & then a second...Talk about taking the wind out of my sails, I stood motionless & felt helpless. And days after I am inviting a friend to lifegroup & she shares with me about her recent miscarriage-Purpose-good from my pain...It was evident instantly that God purposed a new place in my life to be vulnerable and open, not to hurt me but to help others in a way that I couldn't before. That wasn't the first opportunity it was just the first of many-and walls began falling, it makes the suffering so much sweeter. Then most recently I miscarried & the Dr. found a tumor that had to be removed along with an ovary...In the midst of all of this I was at a luncheon for a friend going to Africa. "some of you will adopt, some of you will travel with me to Africa, some of you will..." I had signed myself up for the travel slot because of course I do love a great vacation! LOL...Then I'm sitting across the table from Derek & we are discussing adoption; and months later driving to a Dr. appointment to have an ovary removed & all I can think is maybe this is NOT how we are supposed to add to our family. What if?? And so the research/prayer phase was in action...And now we are in the GO phase,
"take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and go ahead;"
we'll be going to China! And so this is the beginning...a child born in our hearts, knit in his/her mother's womb for us...

I have witnessed God's providence in this particular situation in a big way-it leaves me speechless....

Anxiety...it's a struggle that I battle & have for many years. I have determined that when you live through traumatic circumstances there is going to be residual 'junk' we'll call it...it has to be dealt with. For me those burdens & circumstances are what have kept me clinging to Christ. He wants my full attention & without my suffering I just don't know where'd I'd be. I have to daily lay down my burdens at His feet so He can carry me through (& the anxiety well it's in the wake of those times that I decide to carry the load myself-this is more frequently than I like to admit). And the adoption has caused the waves to crash! I just can't think of another time when I have had to cling to my Savior & trust His plan...We are at the mercy of paperwork & procedures & waiting, waiting, and waiting. And at the end we are clinging to the fact that we will have a son/daughter in our arms as God purposed for us!

"Faith means believing in advance what will only make sense in reverse." Philip Yancey

I'm AMAZED at God's ability to weave people together; to set a plan into action, to mark the course. I'm thankful to have more blessing than I deserve & that He'd entrust another precious life to Derek & myself..."for this child I have prayed" & will pray them home.