an empty chair...

                                                                                   

Today I got those first flutters of expectancy. An empty chair? What could stir such an emotion. Well I'll begin with I love anything with character! And there's lots of talk about what is coming (the adoption) , but not any outward visible signs...so, a little inspiration. We'll call it our 'prayer chair'. 1 Thessalonians 5:17; pray without ceasing...so today we gained a physical reminder, an empty chair, to remember there is a sweet soul we can be praying for. I showed the kiddos our new addition & they looked at me kind of corny like they do & said what's it for? Are you going to paint it? And we talked about it being an empty space for our sister or brother. And I asked them to just pray...as they pass by, as they sit and play, just as it sparks a reminder of who's on the way.

Like this Mom? They had to try it out...Melt a mommies heart. And really it's for me; it's for when wading through this paper pregnancy seems overwhelming. And it's for purpose, to be reminded that in a short time we get to become parents once again. 1 Samuel 1:27 takes on a whole new meaning...and when someone might ask, are you sure you want to do this? I'd ask what if we don't? What if we leave one more child behind? 

Because today, I got to hear that very first flutter...some of you may be familiar with; around 8-10 weeks, that echoing heartbeat that just pulls a heart in...today was my day. And because 'they' are waiting, we'll continue to pray & look forward to what He has for us...

Ephesians 3: 20 "Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, 21 to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen."

a story about a boy...

My boy.

Gunnar Reid-Warrior is his name; oh is it ever! Derek insisted we select a name that wouldn't be  a girl's & one that sounded 'manly'. LOL. I can't tell you how many times I have thought about what we named our son.

He made a warrior sized entrance into the world, I missed all of it; well all of it after they knocked me out. The labor came on hard & terrible; I mean in a way you just knew something was wrong. So they see he is struggling and decide on an emergency c-section. One moment I'm sippin this awful cocktail the next minute I am totally groggy as Derek is scrolling through pictures of someone's baby. I kid you not, I asked him who it was?! I mean the nerve to be just showing me some other persons baby-weird! LOL. But it was Gunnar and then the update, he was born and the cord was around his neck, Derek said as they did his apgar he was just limp and purple. I missed all of it; but Derek didn't. I can't imagine how that felt, waiting to see what happens next. But this giant 9.5oz babe wasn't going to let NICU say who he was...a few days later we were loading to come home. He's a fighter, the negotiator we call him...and today a sweet text from a friend on his courageousness! He stood on the stage during kids church and prayed for his friends! I just can't even tell you how special that was for this mom.

This after weeks of disobeying & Mom feeling like she just might 'twist off', and I'm afraid I have more than a time or two. We heard a comedian tell stories of her kids and 'twisting off', it still makes me laugh-but you know the feeling, it isn't pretty. It leaves you almost ashamed of motherhood-because really what was God thinking entrusting me with such a huge responsibility.

My sweet friend left me with this Isaiah 40:11 verse "He will feed his flock like a shepherd. He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart. He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young." He's always gently leading. And it got me thinking about today's passage in Luke, where if he has 100 & 1 is missing he'll go out to find that one. Our pastor said do you ever lose a kid & say ah it's ok, we have these 3...or lose your car keys & say no big deal I still have my car! It's the radical love He has for us that He's relentless...and today that's what I thought about as I read those sweet words about my son. I needed a little chasing after & some time on the Shepherd's shoulders so I can continue on this journey with my boy! Kind of like step back & look around, you can't do this without me, let me sustain you-don't just run ragged after all these sheep! LOL

So, a story about a boy that one day will be a man...and one wonderful man at that. He has a terrific Dad as a guide & a heavenly Father pursuing Him. I'm so thankful he's mine!

Anniversary, Adoption, Anxiety...Amazed

9 years...Anniversary that is...I'm a little early, but it's heading our way on the 24th. I feel like we've been stuck on fast forward for 9 years...it would be a relief to hang on pause for a second. If I'd known what I know now-I'd absolutely choose Derek again. On some days a person may question my sanity, & there are several hard days, but I could always see a glimpse of what could be. I had no idea what God had purposed for us, but it continues to amaze me. On our wedding day during the service our flower girl climbed in Derek's arms-it still is a sweet memory for us both. She was oh so adorable with her curly hair & big bright eyes and Derek well he's a sucker for babies. And me, for as long as I can remember, Mom is who I longed to be. That day a dear sweet friend with cerebral palsy walked all the way down the path at Clark Gardens & stood through the entire ceremony...it was a great day. And that day tells me so much about my husband. For a little perspective today I thought I'd take a walk down the aisle again. I didn't know what was coming, but God could SEE, I do love that about Him...and that leads us to...

ADOPTION...I was reading a sweet friend's blog announcing her own adoption; her words felt like mine, I had a plan, 4 children, a dog(maybe not), the house, the life, etc. And then the plan stopped being executed as it was before. What stopped me in my tracks is the fact that I had yet to stand in awe of the blessings before me because they were so easy for me to have. As if that was His special way to bless only me. And then a miscarriage & then a second...Talk about taking the wind out of my sails, I stood motionless & felt helpless. And days after I am inviting a friend to lifegroup & she shares with me about her recent miscarriage-Purpose-good from my pain...It was evident instantly that God purposed a new place in my life to be vulnerable and open, not to hurt me but to help others in a way that I couldn't before. That wasn't the first opportunity it was just the first of many-and walls began falling, it makes the suffering so much sweeter. Then most recently I miscarried & the Dr. found a tumor that had to be removed along with an ovary...In the midst of all of this I was at a luncheon for a friend going to Africa. "some of you will adopt, some of you will travel with me to Africa, some of you will..." I had signed myself up for the travel slot because of course I do love a great vacation! LOL...Then I'm sitting across the table from Derek & we are discussing adoption; and months later driving to a Dr. appointment to have an ovary removed & all I can think is maybe this is NOT how we are supposed to add to our family. What if?? And so the research/prayer phase was in action...And now we are in the GO phase,
"take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and go ahead;"
we'll be going to China! And so this is the beginning...a child born in our hearts, knit in his/her mother's womb for us...

I have witnessed God's providence in this particular situation in a big way-it leaves me speechless....

Anxiety...it's a struggle that I battle & have for many years. I have determined that when you live through traumatic circumstances there is going to be residual 'junk' we'll call it...it has to be dealt with. For me those burdens & circumstances are what have kept me clinging to Christ. He wants my full attention & without my suffering I just don't know where'd I'd be. I have to daily lay down my burdens at His feet so He can carry me through (& the anxiety well it's in the wake of those times that I decide to carry the load myself-this is more frequently than I like to admit). And the adoption has caused the waves to crash! I just can't think of another time when I have had to cling to my Savior & trust His plan...We are at the mercy of paperwork & procedures & waiting, waiting, and waiting. And at the end we are clinging to the fact that we will have a son/daughter in our arms as God purposed for us!

"Faith means believing in advance what will only make sense in reverse." Philip Yancey

I'm AMAZED at God's ability to weave people together; to set a plan into action, to mark the course. I'm thankful to have more blessing than I deserve & that He'd entrust another precious life to Derek & myself..."for this child I have prayed" & will pray them home.

SEE, I am doing a New Thing!

So we have to go to the beginning....well, not the beginning. This is our journey as a family seeking God in the circumstances we find ourselves in. Always changing, sometimes challenging, always a noisy chaos that I call home. I can't remember anything-it's a chronic problem. And baby books, I love them but they are not filled to the brim with memories; and really we still are making some really great ones, so I want to be able to share them one day with our brood.
I think a great place to start is the latest adventure. My oldest Tinlee and I just returned from a mother/daughter retreat. We traveled to Van, TX to the Sky Ranch facilities (I can't say enough about them-more on that later) and spent the weekend enjoying intentional Mom & T time. HARD...and so worth it. I say that because I come from a non-traditional mother/daughter relationship. I learned a wealth of information! And when I learn something I love to share it. We are preparing our children to GO. This I already knew, but it's a hard tidbit to digest. I am so thankful that God chose Derek & myself to steward our sweet kids. And I want to do that well. And sending them to Go, that's hard to fathom when they are so tiny and dependent on us. But, as they say, time flies...does it ever.
My Tinlee will be 8 in July. Of all the things I can remember her birth feels like yesterday. Time has just blown by and now I stare at this dark headed blue eyed girl in amazement. She is kind & tenderhearted. She loves JESUS-and she wants to know HIM more...she did for others this weekend like I have seen glimpses of, but she was just really showing me how much she has blossomed. Maybe all these attributes I don't get to enjoy on a 24 hr bases but she really went out of her way to let me SEE her. And she is something! I've always been open and honest with my T about my hurts and struggles & it's been a hard part of the journey...but I received a sweet note from a friend today!

...this is for your home-a place of ministry, hope, restoration, & redemption...

My cup runneth over; it's so special to have the Lord speak into your empty spaces and send a sweet remember to keep going!!

And then a sweet conversation with my cousin-she could put all this into words much more delicately than I can, but she said I love how the Lord is sewing in places & restoring those empty places (like the one from not growing up with my parents), and He is making it good! Replacing it with sweet moments with my daughter!

She couldn't be more right...and I stand back amazed at His goodness. And I've seen the wilderness, or better yet felt like I had been deserted, but it was All for my good. And honestly the loneliest moments are when I choose not to seek His face, but try to soldier on as if I have it all under control.

"SEE, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:19